he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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