Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
