So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
