you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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