WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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