I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
