My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
