Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
