I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
