He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
