i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize