Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
