She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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