Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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