I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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