ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize