Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
