Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
