is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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