I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
