my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
