He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize