Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
