I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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