Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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