i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
