Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize