I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
