I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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