Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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