When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
