Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
