Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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