My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
