her vagine was all disorganized.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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