I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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