We won't sleep together?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
