Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
