I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Still dying that you shit outside
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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