Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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