She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
