Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
