he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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