you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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