All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
