rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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