Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
