4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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