Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
