i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
