i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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