Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
