I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
