so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Houston, we have a blender
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize