were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
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