We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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