yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He felt like a one man threesome
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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