final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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