I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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