My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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